weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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