I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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