How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
