420 ftw
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
