Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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