She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
