Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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