I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
