The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
