why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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