so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
