if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
