I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
