Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
