she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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