so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
