She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
