you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
