Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
your like the ambassador to my penis.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
