my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
