my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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