I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
