I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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