Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
