just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
