You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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