I wish I only lived at night.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
