D3 body, D1 cock
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
