Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
