I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
