I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
