he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
zippers are such a cool invention
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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