If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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