Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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