I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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