He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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