Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
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