At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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