In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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