she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
