At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
