If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
