At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
