i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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