Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
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There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
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Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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