You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
