508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize