they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
