Need sex. Gaining weight.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
