Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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