I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
pop tarts are not kleenex
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
