I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?