he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.