If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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