Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
