You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
