i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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