I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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